I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
