I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
me + whiskey = a bad person
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
