your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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