and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
