you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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