just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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