Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
