If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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