Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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