please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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