Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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