I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
