matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
