I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my phone needs a breathalizer
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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