If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
