im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
