The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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