im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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