I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
