There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
