I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
