i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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