unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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