At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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