A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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