So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
