Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
