I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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