So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
