if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
