You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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