The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
