i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Even my vagina gasped.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
