You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
