I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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