final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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