I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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