You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
