If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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