All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to sanitize my soul.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am available for nakedness
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
