as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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