I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
