Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
