you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
