DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
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