don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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