Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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