I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
