Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
