I wannas sexs uuuuu
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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