hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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