I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
