For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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