Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So here I am, sexting at work.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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