I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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