I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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